i am definately a person who shows my passion and compassion through my actions and over the past few days my frustration has mounted with the situation at the special needs orphanage....i touched on it lightly in my previous post but tonight after an indepth conversation i need my thoughts to be written down if only to get them out of my mind....i hesitated about writing this in my blog for fear that i would have disappointed those who've donated and fund raised themselves for this project...i am embarresed and disheartened by this project and the apparent lack devotion and compassion for these kids who are truly dependant....but please know that the money raised will be used to benefit those children who need all the compassion and care we can give.....
My thoughts...and rantings.......
i have been coming up with various ways to spend the fundraising money kindly donated and listed a few of the items that had been purchased...one i don't think i mentioned was nappies for all the children...i went and bought several sizes and on Friday asked the 'mothers' to use these over the weekend and let me know if the sizes were ok so i could purchase in bulk for them, this not only makes their lives easier but it enables the children to move around a lot better (currently they are in huge clothes...not even cloth nappies, with two types of pants over the cloth...the kids can barely keep their legs closed so most have a frog legged natural stance about them which is so bad for their hips)...we arrive at the orphanage this morning and we find that the mothers have not used the nappies provided but instead have chosen one size for all....adult nappies!!! Their excuse was that they didn't undertand and that they thought they would save the nappies for the Lunar New Year....(insert rolled eyes, raised eyebrows and a look of 'what the fuck' here)....as i was working on Tro again (who did not have a nappy on and instead they have devised this plastic bag that they peg around his penis and have cut holes in his pants to accommodate this!!!...don't ask....) one of the mothers comes over with a nappy and shows me that she is going to put it on him...the language barrier here is enormous as what i say to Nuin (our volunteer co-ordinator) and what is expressed are two different things....i let them know that if they don't use them then i won't bother about buying anymore....i needed to find out the sizes and types they were using and without this information i can't buy the correct ones.....they bring out the two packets that we hadn't opened on Friday and tell me that these are the ones that they use...they are unopened....Nuin even tries to tell me that they are the ones being used....i am in the middle of working with the hardest kid who needs your undivided attention and i'm caught in a nappy battle with 'mothers' that don't seem to care.....i tell Nuin that it's all too hard....just as the mother puts an adult nappy on Tro...who's bum is the size of a new born!!!!....it's hanging off him and they still don't get it....we even showed them the sizes to use and put their names on the packets....no excuses...just an unwillingness to change.....i just don't get it...Nuin says the 'mothers' will use them if i buy them but as i've just seen (not just with this...as the 'mothers' have been given quite a few things to make their lives easier and the childrens lives much more comfortable but in the end they don't use it....a simple thing like moisturizer for the kids skin which looks like snake skin is not even used and i'm told that they moisturizer there at the orphanage!!!..again, what the fuck!!!!) this is not the case and i don't have faith that they will use the supplies given....time to scrap the nappy idea....i work for the rest of the morning with Tro and eventually ask for some relief (as i've mentioned he is frail but the little guy is just all muscle....his body is in a state of constant contraction so it's a 2 hour battle every time you work with him) in the last 20 minutes...i take baby Duoc (as you have probably noticed i have my favorites...these two boys) and get to feed him his bottle.....both boys make my heart smile and cry with sadness for them at the same time.....i leave the house feeling totally disheartened and defeated by nappies....i remain quiet for the rest of the morning and after lunch i head back to the special needs orphanage again...my attitude is better and i have to keep reminding myself that i'm in a very poor country and these women are old and stuck in their ways....they have no nursing or special care training and they do their best.....i work with Tro again and he is not as good as he was in the morning....by the last 40 minutes he was in muscle spasms every few minutes....as much as it hurts to see him like this i went about the routine....i flexed his little limbs, i held him, i rocked him, i sung to him and in the end he was most comfortable when i held my hand to his chest (his heart beats so so fast) and my arm under his knees.....i asked Chan to find me a blanket so i could keep him warm and when she appeared with a blanket one of the 'mothers' took it from her and handed her a towel....she explained that we needed the blanket to keep Tro warm and was told that the blankets were for the mothers not for the children!!!!...just to make it clear here...it is not warm at the moment...it's quite chilly for me and i'm doing a workout with him..he is cold he is not moving and cold muscles clamp up..they also have the windows and doors open all the time....i've told them this is not good but they refuse to close them......i can't even begin to explain the rage i was in when i was told that we couldn't use the blankets for these kids....(straight away i thought i'll just go buy some more you nasty old bitches!!!)...i had to walk away pretty quickly.....i had just spent my morning and afternoon at this place (which you never do as it's very very draining)...and my frustration and anger where at their peak....i cried again in the taxi ride home......i feel like my time with these kids is useless...i can't change the carers they have so in the end what is the point....(i know there is a point but at that stage i just wanted to pack my bag and leave)....
Tonight we went to the Cendeluxe for farewell drinks with Eva who leaves tomorrow, eventually the talk came around to the Special Needs Home and we got to voice our frustration to Nuin with the help of Chan translating when Nuin couldn't quite understand....the outcome of the discussion has left me heart broken....First we were told that one of the other volunteers had bought blankets for the kids (apparently woolen ones from australia and about 20 of them) then we were told that the 'mothers' are all leaving as there are 8 more children coming to the orphanage 6 with CP and 2 Down Syndrome all around the age of 6-8...the orphange is going to move the current cleaning staff who look after the old peoples home on the same property and put them over to the orphange to take care of the kids......i'm totally amazed and confused and disappointed and all feelings of sadness however you'd like to express to them....we then discussed a few of the children one in particular is Thu (2 year old girl with huge head)...we find out that she is unable to have the operation to fix her hydrocyphilous and therefore the don't expect her to live very much longer, Tro will also eventually die of aspiration or other complications caused by his severe CP and without the ongoing physiotherapy that too will not be too far in the future...my eyes tear up....i had no idea that the outcome was so grim...that these kids may not last till the end of this year.....my heart is truly breaking tonight as i know that tomorrow afternoon i have to say goodbye knowing that their little lives have been full of pain and suffering and that i can not do anything to help them.....as i write my eyes fill up with tears again....i truly love these kids...they are amazing and the smallest difference you see is like a huge mountain that you have helped them cross....I had an amazing experience with Tro again today....he moved his head on his own...he wanted to look over at one of the other kids and then toward Chan and then back to me...he did a few times and i was like a proud mother holding her son and watching in amazement at his accommplishment.....i can not put into simple words how my heart feels at the moment know knowing his future.....other than to say crushed.....
If i could bundle up little baby Duoc and walk out with him tomorrow i wouldn't hesitate....the grim reality at the moment is not good or hopeful and i'm going to bed tonight wondering how i will be able to turn my back and walk away for the last time tomorrow.....knowing that no matter how much passion you have about a situation or compassion you hold for those you want to help your actions sometimes don't amount to very much in the end....
I do know that there will be huge amounts of love flowing tomorrow....and thereafter from a distance.
with tear filled eyes it's time to curl up in bed and have a good old fashioned cry....
Love and light to all...please include these kids in your prayers or special thoughts.....let the universe take it from there..
xxxx
My thoughts...and rantings.......
i have been coming up with various ways to spend the fundraising money kindly donated and listed a few of the items that had been purchased...one i don't think i mentioned was nappies for all the children...i went and bought several sizes and on Friday asked the 'mothers' to use these over the weekend and let me know if the sizes were ok so i could purchase in bulk for them, this not only makes their lives easier but it enables the children to move around a lot better (currently they are in huge clothes...not even cloth nappies, with two types of pants over the cloth...the kids can barely keep their legs closed so most have a frog legged natural stance about them which is so bad for their hips)...we arrive at the orphanage this morning and we find that the mothers have not used the nappies provided but instead have chosen one size for all....adult nappies!!! Their excuse was that they didn't undertand and that they thought they would save the nappies for the Lunar New Year....(insert rolled eyes, raised eyebrows and a look of 'what the fuck' here)....as i was working on Tro again (who did not have a nappy on and instead they have devised this plastic bag that they peg around his penis and have cut holes in his pants to accommodate this!!!...don't ask....) one of the mothers comes over with a nappy and shows me that she is going to put it on him...the language barrier here is enormous as what i say to Nuin (our volunteer co-ordinator) and what is expressed are two different things....i let them know that if they don't use them then i won't bother about buying anymore....i needed to find out the sizes and types they were using and without this information i can't buy the correct ones.....they bring out the two packets that we hadn't opened on Friday and tell me that these are the ones that they use...they are unopened....Nuin even tries to tell me that they are the ones being used....i am in the middle of working with the hardest kid who needs your undivided attention and i'm caught in a nappy battle with 'mothers' that don't seem to care.....i tell Nuin that it's all too hard....just as the mother puts an adult nappy on Tro...who's bum is the size of a new born!!!!....it's hanging off him and they still don't get it....we even showed them the sizes to use and put their names on the packets....no excuses...just an unwillingness to change.....i just don't get it...Nuin says the 'mothers' will use them if i buy them but as i've just seen (not just with this...as the 'mothers' have been given quite a few things to make their lives easier and the childrens lives much more comfortable but in the end they don't use it....a simple thing like moisturizer for the kids skin which looks like snake skin is not even used and i'm told that they moisturizer there at the orphanage!!!..again, what the fuck!!!!) this is not the case and i don't have faith that they will use the supplies given....time to scrap the nappy idea....i work for the rest of the morning with Tro and eventually ask for some relief (as i've mentioned he is frail but the little guy is just all muscle....his body is in a state of constant contraction so it's a 2 hour battle every time you work with him) in the last 20 minutes...i take baby Duoc (as you have probably noticed i have my favorites...these two boys) and get to feed him his bottle.....both boys make my heart smile and cry with sadness for them at the same time.....i leave the house feeling totally disheartened and defeated by nappies....i remain quiet for the rest of the morning and after lunch i head back to the special needs orphanage again...my attitude is better and i have to keep reminding myself that i'm in a very poor country and these women are old and stuck in their ways....they have no nursing or special care training and they do their best.....i work with Tro again and he is not as good as he was in the morning....by the last 40 minutes he was in muscle spasms every few minutes....as much as it hurts to see him like this i went about the routine....i flexed his little limbs, i held him, i rocked him, i sung to him and in the end he was most comfortable when i held my hand to his chest (his heart beats so so fast) and my arm under his knees.....i asked Chan to find me a blanket so i could keep him warm and when she appeared with a blanket one of the 'mothers' took it from her and handed her a towel....she explained that we needed the blanket to keep Tro warm and was told that the blankets were for the mothers not for the children!!!!...just to make it clear here...it is not warm at the moment...it's quite chilly for me and i'm doing a workout with him..he is cold he is not moving and cold muscles clamp up..they also have the windows and doors open all the time....i've told them this is not good but they refuse to close them......i can't even begin to explain the rage i was in when i was told that we couldn't use the blankets for these kids....(straight away i thought i'll just go buy some more you nasty old bitches!!!)...i had to walk away pretty quickly.....i had just spent my morning and afternoon at this place (which you never do as it's very very draining)...and my frustration and anger where at their peak....i cried again in the taxi ride home......i feel like my time with these kids is useless...i can't change the carers they have so in the end what is the point....(i know there is a point but at that stage i just wanted to pack my bag and leave)....
Tonight we went to the Cendeluxe for farewell drinks with Eva who leaves tomorrow, eventually the talk came around to the Special Needs Home and we got to voice our frustration to Nuin with the help of Chan translating when Nuin couldn't quite understand....the outcome of the discussion has left me heart broken....First we were told that one of the other volunteers had bought blankets for the kids (apparently woolen ones from australia and about 20 of them) then we were told that the 'mothers' are all leaving as there are 8 more children coming to the orphanage 6 with CP and 2 Down Syndrome all around the age of 6-8...the orphange is going to move the current cleaning staff who look after the old peoples home on the same property and put them over to the orphange to take care of the kids......i'm totally amazed and confused and disappointed and all feelings of sadness however you'd like to express to them....we then discussed a few of the children one in particular is Thu (2 year old girl with huge head)...we find out that she is unable to have the operation to fix her hydrocyphilous and therefore the don't expect her to live very much longer, Tro will also eventually die of aspiration or other complications caused by his severe CP and without the ongoing physiotherapy that too will not be too far in the future...my eyes tear up....i had no idea that the outcome was so grim...that these kids may not last till the end of this year.....my heart is truly breaking tonight as i know that tomorrow afternoon i have to say goodbye knowing that their little lives have been full of pain and suffering and that i can not do anything to help them.....as i write my eyes fill up with tears again....i truly love these kids...they are amazing and the smallest difference you see is like a huge mountain that you have helped them cross....I had an amazing experience with Tro again today....he moved his head on his own...he wanted to look over at one of the other kids and then toward Chan and then back to me...he did a few times and i was like a proud mother holding her son and watching in amazement at his accommplishment.....i can not put into simple words how my heart feels at the moment know knowing his future.....other than to say crushed.....
If i could bundle up little baby Duoc and walk out with him tomorrow i wouldn't hesitate....the grim reality at the moment is not good or hopeful and i'm going to bed tonight wondering how i will be able to turn my back and walk away for the last time tomorrow.....knowing that no matter how much passion you have about a situation or compassion you hold for those you want to help your actions sometimes don't amount to very much in the end....
I do know that there will be huge amounts of love flowing tomorrow....and thereafter from a distance.
with tear filled eyes it's time to curl up in bed and have a good old fashioned cry....
Love and light to all...please include these kids in your prayers or special thoughts.....let the universe take it from there..
xxxx
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