26.11.10 in India

26.11.10
well another day has passed and today i was not very grateful...i'm sad i wasted a day on negative thoughts but none the less it has passed and that's what i've done...
the morning asana and meditation was as per usual....a plethera of thoughts and emotions....and of course the fidgetting....always the fidgetting....because of the constant pain....fuck how do these people sit there for hours upon hours without moving....i really have to buy some beads and use them for my meditation..one of the girls has rosary beads...think i mentioned this when i talked about the french lady who instisted on buying two of the same necklaces..unfortunately for me one was the exact thing that i wanted...anyway..i still haven't bought the beads but i'll look tomorrow....i think i'll go to the wifi area tomorrow for lunch and just update the blog and send a few emails...i think i'm feeling a little home sick today.....in need of some close friends and maybe a mummy hug....
haven't spent a lot of time on what i am going through and how this place and the situation makes me feels...not sure if it's something that could be shared in words to the degree that it affects...i haven't even kept a personal diary of it myself....some days i just cry at the simpliest of touch....it always seems that a touch will set me off which is very interesting...just in an observation kind of way...not trying to figure it out as i've come to understand that the why is neither here nor there...it just is...and you should just let it be...hope that doesn't sound too airy fairy but that's as simple as it gets....it's the trying to figure out shit that puts us in the emotional states...of which i spent the better part of today and have now realized i am getting what i am giving out. To most it is a high concrete wall...one i have tried desperately to break down on this trip...i know i made a few dents but nothing like what i was hoping for...not yet anyway....tonight i realized that maybe this part of my trip wasn't so i could find me again and connect with my real self but instead maybe this section in India was to allow me to just accept that i am perfect every second of everyday no matter the changes that happen along the way.....i know that deep down the latter is true but it just seems so very hard to accept at the moment...especially when you know there is an imbalance in what you feel you really are and what you actually portray.....such a huge imbalance and i have not yet figured out how to start bridging that gap....i feel i need to talk it out with one of the teachers but am not sure which one to ask...i hate asking for their time over what seems like trivial things in the big pictures.....i just keep thinking what if in the back of their mind they are thinking 'for god sake, get over yourself, just accept and move on, it's so fucking easy and you've made me waste my lunch time over this!!'...i could probably imagine Chris thinking that..or just in general wanting to be anywhere else but listening to that kind of shit...the others, maybe not but who really knows.....
we had our sharing circle today, the small group one which i love. we talked briefly about how we are feeling about heading out into the 'real' world soon. i admitted that i was fearful on one side but on the other not so much....i feared i'd lose myself again but then on the other side i felt i hadn't changed very much at all so there was really nothing to lose....it was all a bit negative and emotional and i ended up crying again.....(oh yeh, forgot to tell that i had spend part of my anatomy session in random tears as well....just a real sadness swept over me, not sure what about, i very rarely know why i cry at the moment but i'm not trying to justify it to myself either....Ellie came over to sit with me and she touched my shoulders and out it all come.....well not all of it but quite a bit....i wonder how much more is in there to come out and will get rid of more soon rather than later...it;s always a great feeling after you cry at least for a little while anyway....until you do something else that triggers something else deep down and we start the rollercoaster again...
i did feel at some point today that i probably should have chosen an Ashram..something more strict and less nice....or maybe that's just my self-deprevation speaking...make it hard or there's just no point to it....
i have booked for a Thai massage on my lunch break tomorrow and am really looking forward to it....after last nights little taster i forgot how good it all was....now that my back feels much better (now it's just my hips, knees, ankle, elbow etc.....) it will be about my whole body not just my back...
now, back to my actual day today....
after breakfast we had anatomy which was our test....each of our sharing groups had to come up with 10 questions that would be asked to a random individual to answer....mine a little obscure so i got quite stuck in how to answer...felt shit after that (and that was after my crying session earlier....i hate days where everything seems against you, even your own brain) why is it that i could answer most of the questions that were asked of other individuals but got stuck with mine...i couldn't even figure out what the actual question meant which was embarassing and demeaning....where has my brain gone to!!!???
after anatomy we had 1 hour practice our 1 hour assessment program, Katya and I paired up...i know she is confortable with me and i was happy to be asked. Katya had not quite come up with a program so i tested mine on her....there was a couple of things that i would leave out but all in all she seemed to think it was pretty good. ..it's still slow based so i may pick it up in the middle with some dynamic moves....just need to figure out what those will be..
after lunch we had karma yoga and a small group of us decided on beach cleaning....i think i mentioned before that the beach, although beautiful is very very littered.....Chris keeps saying it's becasue of the monsoon...things get picked up by the excess water and find their way into the waterways.....this might be partly true but they also have rubbish piles just randomly in the street and then they burn it....not sure who decides when to burn and if they have a designated day for burning off like we do for water but no wonder when the monsoon rains come that the waterways are filled with crap...it's the crap they leave on the road....be thankful we have rubbish collectors!!!!!
after karma yoga we take a group photo and then go into our small sharing circle....i'm wiped after that so i go off to be..write this piece and am just about to turn the lights off.....tonight was dancing, which normally would have been great fun but i'm just not in the mood....
think i should go to sleep and hopefully wake up a better person tomorrow.....
i love the silence, i just need so much more of it at the moment...oh yeh, today i got protein....two tins of sardines for breakfast and for lunch they made omlettes.....yeh for real food!!!!
tomorrow, baked beans maybe....
night to all xxxxx