25.11.10 in India

25.11
could not get up this morning....the joints in my body are aching are so badly....would it be ok to take a sick day today......guess not...
off to meditation, pranayama and then my 2 hour morning practice....this morning i managed to lay on the mat for two hours rolling around and doing other various body movements that allowed me to keep my arse firmly on the mat....i could barely keep my eyes open....what the hell is wrong with my body....i pray for it to be over so i can just go and have breakfast....am starving and my tummy keeps grumbling along with that sick feeling as well...it not surprising after i stuffed myself stupid yesterday......(oh i don;t think i mentioned that in my second draft...it was in the first one that closed down on me.....yep, had an eating frenzy....was kind of lost with the speak, don;'t speak stuff and when i eventually got back to my room i decided to consume quite a few of the snacks that i had bought for the next few days......i found that chocolate which is too sweet for me normally goes really well with a dry cracker and water......crunchy and creamy and the plain cracker soaks up some of the sweetness with it's blandness...happy food blending.....unhappy belly.....there's some more food to try and get out of my system....) ahh the thought makes me want to vomit but it's my own stupid fault....got caught in my head space and was not very calm about it....i realized that is one of my very bad habbits and one which i'm glad to have noticed...now to just pick up on it before i head into it again....
breakfast soon comes and as i sit down to my fresh fruit and roasted honey nuts with a slice of bread i soon realize why my body is so unbelievably sore (now i say this as i used to really work my body hard and i am in no way working it as i used to)...protein....not enough protein....sure we have beans for lunch and dinner but breakfast is just carbs carbs and more carbs...nothing to feed out muscles....with all the carbs we eat i am now craving sweets during the day and acting on it....a cake here, a budda dream slice there (oh my god this slice is amazing...they actually sell out of it everyday!!!)...a chocolate bar...or two....it's stupid....i need to get back to my eggs.....i'm going to ask tomorrow if i can buy eggs and have them boiled so i can keep them in my room and eat them for breakfast instead....maybe even some savory beans for breakfast....i need something that is more nourishing now....and the other thing is when you're body is high in sugar your joints hurts more and this is not helping my back to heal either.....MUST have a word with someone about this tomorrow.
We finished our mini class sessions today and i think we are all going to make pretty great teachers by the end of this... just some more actual practice; which hopefully i;ll get when i;m in thailand....offer it to my fellow volunteers....keep me and my practice going either way.
after our mini classes we all got together in the round challa for an offering to the gods....we were asked to bring something that meant a lot to us, a picture, a token of home, a daiety or the like.....what the fuck....i didn't bring anything like that with me.....the only thing i have that means the world to me is my necklace....ok, maybe not the world but it has significance in my mind.....crap..i don;t want to give that up, i kind of feel lost without it....it reminds me of second chances and more.....i know we are getting it back, wish i had of bought a cheap necklace or one of those daiety statues i keep looking at....
we chant, we light candles, we sing, we dance, we pray and we offer up our sacred peice to the gods and ask to be looked over.....tears well up as i kneel down before the alter with my head on the ground and my arms above my head offering my necklace....i should have just cried....not sure why i keep holding that shit in.....footnote to self.....release this shit once and for all.....if you want to cry, cry...if you want to yell, yell....it's so much worse when you bottle you in...
after we all make our offering we then head to the river with a flower and we chant together, releasing our flowers into the river....i forgot why we did this but it was moving at the time....must ask someone about the intention of the flower into the river....i know it will be an offering again but not sure what for....
lunch time was next....sat on the beach.....had every intention of looking over some standing poses to add to my hour session but it was such a nice day and my body was so tired i just lay there.....didn;t even go for a dip...didn;t have the energy to fight the waves....shower, dress and off to class.  This session is about giving and receiving in the form of a massage....we each get and give a half hour thai massage, guided by our lovely teachers Susie and Yamina....
to start we did some exercises and then gathered some energy....oh and yes we did chant more....i don;t think i ever get sick of chanting....then we closed our eyes and let the magnetic field around us pull us to our partner for this session....i was truly lucky and was partnered with Linda...she is one of my very favorite people here....she has a soft nurturing was about her but still has a very strong and solid energy...reliable...she is alike a hug...soft and reassuring....she let's me receive first and i am truly greatful....first we have to connect with our partners so we are asked to stand infront of each other, stare into the other persons eyes and we are asked to think of us as one...see if we can blend both of us together in our energies so that we each receive the healing of Thai massage. it was a really nice moment...strange to look at someone for so long but lucky i have done that before...thanks again Human Potentials and my course on life!!!
I have to say...i surrendered pretty much from the moment my body laid back on the mat....the rest was pure bliss....think i'll book our thai massage guy we have on site...see if i can get in on Sunday or during a lunch break sometime....
Once my session was over we then swapped....it was great to be guided through in the technique...would love to have had that filmed, it's a really lovely little massage.....hopefully i remember most of it.....will try it out on someone else and see how i go...
oh that reminds me....i just kept seeing wildlife today....it stared with the frog and the tortoise in the pond outside Kim's room (which used to be my room), then i saw a really little frill neck like lizard but with out the frill on the shrub i was sitting next to at breakfast, then i saw a bee making a hive under a leaf....not sure how that will go for the little guy....next was lunch and another lizard...big one this time...half way across the paddock there is a pile of wood.....i heard a noise and looked up to see this lizard just landing on a log that was protruding from the pile...he was sunning himself....at no stage did i have my camera on me today....again, footnote to self...always take camera!!!
after my thai massage i went off to the shop...determined to get some protein of some sort that i can have to snack on or to at least replace breakfast.....get there and the power is out...lucky i have a torch!!,.......i search the shelves and finally purchase some sardines in oil, baked beans and some strange looking cheese....not sure what is worse..the highly processed cheese or the fruit full of sugar!!!.....
starting from tomorrow i am eating more protein and getting off this sugar treadmill......oh did i mention the bounty bar i bought along with the other stuff....
ok, tonight was my last night...besides i didn't eat dinner.....and got caught is a massive down pour....by the time i got back to my little hut there was not power and i was soaking!!!!
was supposed to go for a movie night tonight.....i passed on it....too tired.....needed to lay down...
now it's time to close the eyes and call it a day...
big love to today and those that made it all that more special
xxxxx