24.11.10 India

i just typed for over an hour about my day today...
i must have leaned on something and the entire thing was lost....
now i am sad and pissed off....
i wonder if this is my Karma for being negative toward the shop keeper and the French lady (who is running a group at Ashyana...i find her extremely rude. nothing different about how i found her when we wanted to purchase the same thing...she actually bought the last two of them...was a bizarre little discussion in a circle...firstly she just wanted one..then when i was definate about purchasing the other one she decided she needed both....Fuck her...yep...not nice but that was the thought ...it was fuck her and fuck the shop keeper...i tried asking if he could make more but he didn't have anymore of the same stones...i really really needed that fuckin necklace....i have been trying to find something that i like that i could use like rosary beads to make my meditation a bit better..more concentrated...i find the one thing that i like and that fuckin cow takes both of them.....FUCK HER AND THE HORSE SHE RODE IN ON...
ok...that off my chest now...i'm signing off and will update today later tomorrow.
notes:
morning class...nervous about teaching
got up in the morning and although i knew our mini sessions had been planned for wednesday and thursday the nerves when i saw it posted on our daily routine board really kicked in...all through my own practice, all two hours of it i couldn;t help but to go over and over in my head what my routine was....when i tried it out in practice class i went over time....a whole ten minutes...i knew i had to change it but i just didn;t know what to drop and what to keep. i then started to think that i would be better off choosing something different altogeher...i didn't think the routine was up to scratch and i felt i didn't have enough asana's in my routine...considering this is for a yoga teacher i thought i should actually have poses where i instructed more...the routine i had lacked that badly....i spent the first half of my morning practice thinking about it and the next half trying different blends....by the end of it i was tired and confused...i resigned myself to the fact that what ever happens i am not doing my mini class today....pray...just keep praying that they choose the others...not me....i'll have enough time later today on my half day off to come up with something great, try it out and be set for the next day....all through breakfast i wrote and rewrote my sequence....shit, what about the actual instructions....it's fine to come up with a sequence but now i have to consider the main points about the instructions....crap..nerves are really getting me now....i've scoffed my breakfast...i don;t even remember eating most of it (thank god really as i had a bread roll with crunch spirilina and butter....yummy.....NOT..what's the fuckin deal with white bread....it's super bad for you and they've served it here twice....i'm confused....)...still not satisfied i continue my praying and reassurance that i will not have to do my mini class today....
we all met up in the round challa for a quick chat and to advise that we would be training our small circle group only but our teacher will change (our normal teacher for small circle is Alex...he is there to hold the space and direct if necessary)..our group will be supervised by yamina who i love...hard not to love her...she is love....through and through...i wish i could see the aura as i've been told her's is quite amazing....anyway back to the mini class.
My group is to do their sessions in the treehouse challa...YEH...i love this area....tree tops and wood...i am at home and at peace there....which probably explains the next thing that happened.
Yamina asked if there was any volunteer to go first today.....surprise surprise i shot up my hand so straight....almost like saying ME ME ME...pick ME...i'm a fucken desperate!!!!!....so it was me, fabian and ellie to go first today...
we were then asked who would like to go first out of us three....yep you guessed it....again my hand shot up...no one was taking this place....i made sure of that...up on my feet and ready to take action.....
i think that's when the OH CRAP feeling set in....kind of like i;d played a really bad joke on myself.....now i'm in the poo....nothing left to do now but jump right into it...
my session started with some awareness and centering, then slow movements to wake up the spine, followed with full bodfy relaxation...i used a technique that when i first tried it it made me relax, giggle and feel great....
the comments on the session where all positive and that's really nice but i think i'd have preferred to hear something i could work on more....for god sake i;m not that friggin good.....maybe everyone didn't want to say anything bad as i was the first....i'll never know so i'll stop thinking about it now....
Fabian's class was in french, surprising enough you can still follow most of it with your eyes closed...was a great leg strethcing routine....we all decided we were going to put that sequence in our bag of goodies....
elle's class - enlightening....moving...she embodies the goddess of the earth and such a giving soul...she is amazning for someone so young...i admire her character, truthfulness and open heart...i know everyone probably feels this with her but it's hard not to think that our souls are linked..she somehow manages to speak my heart truth...feelings i can not express she manages to say and it releases my heart at that same time...a bizarre feeling but I do love her to peices....hard not to when she has my words :)
today we also get to do karma yoga...not sure if i've discussed this before but Karma yoga is not quite yoga but more of the Karma part with keeping in the theme of our Patanjali Sutras (i will discuss the Sutra's at some time as they are very enlightening but also cause so much turmoil and discussion) i decided on being part of the team that helped clean the round challa, took 4 of us the whole 90 minutes to reorganize the mats, bolsters, mop the floor by hand, wash the walls down and tidy the place up in general....really made a difference to the way the energy is in the room now....Ellie told us the other day in the sharing circle that the round challa has bad energy and she had been trying to clear it out without any real luck....because it is round with minimal windows you stare at white walls and columns....most of our theory classes are held in that room and i can tell you there has been more than one occassion when someone has nodded off!!....she also explained that it has a lower vibrational energy so it takes more time to bring us up to a higher vibrational energy keeping us interested and happy....it all make sense when you see the difference in the group between the round challa; which is great for chanting because the round room makes the voices bounce back and resonate, and the main challa which is made of wood, wood and more wood with three quarters of it open to the gardens surrounding it...of course we have mosquito nets...not that they help much as we also have large areas of roof missing so that the palm trees could remain.....there are three in a central line in this room...yoga here is the beautiful as it feels like you are in the garden...the noises are great the fresh air...everything about it.....
anyway....we cleaned the round challa and we all felt pretty darn good after it...
have i mentioned we are in our first day of a two day silence.....which is stupid as we had to talk for our mini class and again for karma yoga...logistically speaking..no chit chat but still....if you want us in silence...give us the space to have to have the opportunity for full silence....i would have much preferred that then speak, don;t speak, speak, don;t speak...tomorrow will be similar no doubt....they should have assigned homework for these two days and we could have enjoyed the silence as well as the solititude....oh well....kind of feels pointless and breaks you out of the routine of silence....i forgot a couple of times; which i never do and ended up speaking without realizing.....give me two solid days any day...the back and forth with speaking has really stuffed me up...
decided to try and log into the wifi here from the dining room...i was told i would be able to access it there...no such luck...instead i started work on my one hour assessment class to be held sometime next week...got distracted and wrote out a whole bunch of asanas that I wanted to try and would be able to do in the morning practice.....
after spending about and hour on that i decided it was best i go check my emails and maybe update my blog...i got to the wifi place; which is a hotel up the road where they have table and chairs outside so people can use the wifi...i fired up the computer and started emailing...unfortunately for me i was attacked by a swarm of mosquitos.....they love my arse!!!...and my legs....i can no loger count the amount of bites on me....it's ridiculous.....the mosquito coils and repellents are useless against this super strain of man sucking vampires......needless to say i didn't spend much time emailing and definately didn't bother updating the blog....
may do that over that weekend....might just bore everyone with my day to day ramblings....sure they'd all love that...
the end of the day was our big sharing circle....we sit in the round challa, chant and om for while and then we hand around a crystal which Yamina had special for our group...the person with the crystal gets to  speak about their feelings....we don;t do stories here....thank god for that ....if you want t express something you just say the feeling....not the how and the why...just the feeling....and then you sit with that and observe yourself...sounds strange but i like it...i do get sick of everyone saying only positive things though....the first time we did this exercise was very early on and everyone said things like joy, love, connectedness, peace...blah blah blah and i'm sure they are all genuine....me, well i said....lost...i felt lost....i was with a whole bunch of people i didn't know in a country i was unsure of and i just wasn't feeling the love....most of the time i don't share;  you have an option to hand the crytal to the person next to you if you do not feel like sharing or speaking....i choose this options most of the time....the second time I shared was during the week that i hurt my back....everyone was still saying very positive things...me i just felt plain old vulnerable.....i'm learning that sometimes even if it is the truth...you are best to keep saying nothing....it bring the energy down and i dont want that on my shoulders....
This evening we were all asked to make a comment about the silence and we were feeling about it...i said amused...really wanting to ad that i was amused at how pointless the exercise was....well you heard my take on that earlier so no point flogging a dead horse.....
Tonight i have to admit....i'm just in pain ....i need some relief now....it;s just waring me down....i',m tired from not sleeping well due to my back, my sciatic nerve has just been playing up again and kept me awake with constant pain....pain killers are not helping either....oh did i mention i'm constipated, yes i'm in india and i'm constipated!!!!!...sometimes i wish i;d get some india belly just to clear me out.....
update completed....i now need to type out what happened today as i was just typing about yesterday due to the erasing of my original typing....refer opening comment to remind you....xx