i thought i'd write about how my qualifying class went but instead i'd like to just ask how everyone is....i'd really like to hear from you all.....
if you can't comment on the blog page just send me an email....missandygirl@hotmail.com
guess i'm just a little home sick from those i love...
the class went well; so they tell me...i know i could have done better but i guess i've passed so now it's just a matter of attending the other qualifying classes....
any little contact would be great....maybe i scared you all with my very very lengthy posts....
apologies....won't happen again.
love to all.
please write :)
A journey about learning the Peaceful art of Yoga in India, Playing with elephants in Thailand and sharing Love with orphaned children in Vietnam. The Peaceful Heart, The Playful Heart and The Loving Heart...My 3 month life experience.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
27.11 & 28.11.10 in India
27.11.10 and part of 28.11.10
morning class spend working on my hour program....very confused...in the end i gave up and just did my own practice...will think about my program later....
still stuggling with the meditation....could someone come and wash out my brain and leave me the peace and tranquility that everyone keeps talking about....is it wrong that i hate them for being able to do what seems like such a simple practice.....i know it's bad, but man it's frustrating,..still haven't found my beads...it's so funny i'm putting so much emphasis on these beads, like it's going to be a life changing situation for me.....i do amuse myself and what i create as an attachment....will keep you posted if i do find my magic beads and they lead me to my beanstalk....
that reminds me...maybe i should be looking for a glass slipper as well....might lead me to my prince charming!!!
anyway on to more things....
breakfast was a tin of baked beans and my normal fruit and museli....i've started to just eat breakfast and lunch....no need for dinner most days...
pilosophy class was next...normally it's a bit of a bitch fight...a few select people making more of these sutras than need to be made...in brief the sutras are a way of life....simply put...you are not your thoughts...you are deeper than that, you live a way of life that is free of greed, jealously, hatred and any other negative emotions you can think of....each sutra leads you to another and suggestions on how to implement them in your life...i do love it as it just covers most of the stuff i've already been reading....eckhart toll, a new earth....it's worth reading...it's written for this era so has more relevance...anyway...the philosophy class was really quite light hearted....our discussion was on celebacy (which is one of the sutras)...not an issue for me, but for others....well....they weren't too thrilled with idea....lucky for them it doesn't mean no sex altogether...a few rules apply...like you must be married or your long term partner.....again...not an issue for me....we also discussed how it's pathetic that we ask people 'how are you' and we don't really mean it or even stop to listen to their answer, it's also funny how we just answer good thanks, how are you....i told them how i questioned someone in the elevator one day if they were really interested in how i was or were they just being polite....I was amused....the elevator person was not!!!.....sometimes we just get sick of the same old same old...
meditation was next... this is a guided meditation, we start with humming for half an hour....continuous humming...it awakens the charkras...we then ask for particular energies to come into our world and at the end we turn our hands to the earth and give back to the earth that which we are overflowing with.....i do love this whole process....i just wish my arse wouldn't hurt so much and that my legs would stop going to sleep and that my arse wouldn't hurt and that my mind would stay focused.....i really need those friggin beads!!!!......
After meditation i had a Thai massage with Steve....was well needed....there is something strangely nice about someone rubbing your bum when it is so sore....and rubbing my groin and inner legs.....actually it was just nice to have a man rubbing anything....
had to scoff down a bit of lunch as my massage session went for nearly 2 hours...time now for teaching practice....
didn't get much done except lend some ideas on a flow for katya and then go through her 1 hour practice to see if timing was ok...we also ran through a bit of my program as well....still not sure about using the flow i created...it's different and i like that, some of the girls have asked if i'd show them so of my sequences which is really flattering considering these girls bend like gumby and can do the most amazing things with the bodies....is it wrong to hate them for that too.....the sutras would say yes....
we ran over time in our training so dinner was a bit later than normal....today i had to have dinner....so much training in one day....extra food required....we were all asked to go out for dinner tonight, some of us decided it was better off to be safe and just eat at our home....we at least know they look after us...it was quite interesting, i sat next to Chris; who normally freaks me out as he's so withdrawn...or maybe just feels unapproachable....it turned out to be quite funny,.....he asked how i was, i said fine thanks and how are you...he replied good thanks....i then said...'now that we've been polite can we get on with a real conversation!!' we all laughed...you had to be there of course.....but it was a breaking moment for me....chris is actually quite charming and funny it seems....nice to finally see that
after dinner we all went out to Dunes; or should i say the small group that stayed behind me the larger group....by the time we got there most people had been drinking and the vibe was anything but nice....didn't last long there and found myself back at home by 10pm....a gorup of us sat around and started to chat....it was such a nice night..finally got a chance to chat to Pee Wee....philipino...so beautiful....inside and out....we stayed up till about midnight, i went back to my room with some much needed laxatives and started to work on my program again.....i found that when i finally went to bed i was thinking about the mediation section and all i can say is thank god for voice recording on my phone...i think i went to sleep some time around 2am.....up again at 5.30!!!
28.11.10
ran through my sequence to test timing....i'm way off...need to cut some of the stretches out....tried it twice...still unsure...am doing my session tomorrow...needless to say i'm really nervous....but keep remembering that the worse that can happen is i make an arse of self....we all know i'm used to that...
breakfast was frustrating. we are asked to observed; or should i say 'invited' as we are never told to do anything really.....anyway, everyone bar two of us actually observed the silence....sometimes i wonder why people can't just enjoy the silence....it was interesting to see how annoyed i got....was like watching children who just wouldn't shut up....i think it got to me worse today as i'm so friggin unsure of my sequence and feel unprepared compared to the others who've been doing yoga for a few years now....
i grabbed a couple of girls and tried out my flowing sequence which is the middle part and a bit difficult to teach...seemed to go really well and Linda was great, she did the whole thing with her eyes closed so she could follow my instructions...seemed to work out well....still a bit too long...but i have an idea of how to cut it a little shorter....
we left the resort and found ourselves at dunes having some more food, fresh juice and there are now four of us at a table in the restaurant with computers...it's quite funny...we talk but each are doing our own thing at the same time...i like this kind of interaction...just being with....
i realized today there are only 7 days left here and it's kind of sad....i'll really miss the group and being part of such a different experience.....
anyway...time to sign off, luch has started and i need to get back to eat, drink and be merry!!!
not sure what the rest of the day holds...maybe the beach....
am going to look for a silence retreat or health retreat and maybe only do two weeks at the elephant refuge....i still feel i need something more at this point....
time willl tell
love to all xxxx
morning class spend working on my hour program....very confused...in the end i gave up and just did my own practice...will think about my program later....
still stuggling with the meditation....could someone come and wash out my brain and leave me the peace and tranquility that everyone keeps talking about....is it wrong that i hate them for being able to do what seems like such a simple practice.....i know it's bad, but man it's frustrating,..still haven't found my beads...it's so funny i'm putting so much emphasis on these beads, like it's going to be a life changing situation for me.....i do amuse myself and what i create as an attachment....will keep you posted if i do find my magic beads and they lead me to my beanstalk....
that reminds me...maybe i should be looking for a glass slipper as well....might lead me to my prince charming!!!
anyway on to more things....
breakfast was a tin of baked beans and my normal fruit and museli....i've started to just eat breakfast and lunch....no need for dinner most days...
pilosophy class was next...normally it's a bit of a bitch fight...a few select people making more of these sutras than need to be made...in brief the sutras are a way of life....simply put...you are not your thoughts...you are deeper than that, you live a way of life that is free of greed, jealously, hatred and any other negative emotions you can think of....each sutra leads you to another and suggestions on how to implement them in your life...i do love it as it just covers most of the stuff i've already been reading....eckhart toll, a new earth....it's worth reading...it's written for this era so has more relevance...anyway...the philosophy class was really quite light hearted....our discussion was on celebacy (which is one of the sutras)...not an issue for me, but for others....well....they weren't too thrilled with idea....lucky for them it doesn't mean no sex altogether...a few rules apply...like you must be married or your long term partner.....again...not an issue for me....we also discussed how it's pathetic that we ask people 'how are you' and we don't really mean it or even stop to listen to their answer, it's also funny how we just answer good thanks, how are you....i told them how i questioned someone in the elevator one day if they were really interested in how i was or were they just being polite....I was amused....the elevator person was not!!!.....sometimes we just get sick of the same old same old...
meditation was next... this is a guided meditation, we start with humming for half an hour....continuous humming...it awakens the charkras...we then ask for particular energies to come into our world and at the end we turn our hands to the earth and give back to the earth that which we are overflowing with.....i do love this whole process....i just wish my arse wouldn't hurt so much and that my legs would stop going to sleep and that my arse wouldn't hurt and that my mind would stay focused.....i really need those friggin beads!!!!......
After meditation i had a Thai massage with Steve....was well needed....there is something strangely nice about someone rubbing your bum when it is so sore....and rubbing my groin and inner legs.....actually it was just nice to have a man rubbing anything....
had to scoff down a bit of lunch as my massage session went for nearly 2 hours...time now for teaching practice....
didn't get much done except lend some ideas on a flow for katya and then go through her 1 hour practice to see if timing was ok...we also ran through a bit of my program as well....still not sure about using the flow i created...it's different and i like that, some of the girls have asked if i'd show them so of my sequences which is really flattering considering these girls bend like gumby and can do the most amazing things with the bodies....is it wrong to hate them for that too.....the sutras would say yes....
we ran over time in our training so dinner was a bit later than normal....today i had to have dinner....so much training in one day....extra food required....we were all asked to go out for dinner tonight, some of us decided it was better off to be safe and just eat at our home....we at least know they look after us...it was quite interesting, i sat next to Chris; who normally freaks me out as he's so withdrawn...or maybe just feels unapproachable....it turned out to be quite funny,.....he asked how i was, i said fine thanks and how are you...he replied good thanks....i then said...'now that we've been polite can we get on with a real conversation!!' we all laughed...you had to be there of course.....but it was a breaking moment for me....chris is actually quite charming and funny it seems....nice to finally see that
after dinner we all went out to Dunes; or should i say the small group that stayed behind me the larger group....by the time we got there most people had been drinking and the vibe was anything but nice....didn't last long there and found myself back at home by 10pm....a gorup of us sat around and started to chat....it was such a nice night..finally got a chance to chat to Pee Wee....philipino...so beautiful....inside and out....we stayed up till about midnight, i went back to my room with some much needed laxatives and started to work on my program again.....i found that when i finally went to bed i was thinking about the mediation section and all i can say is thank god for voice recording on my phone...i think i went to sleep some time around 2am.....up again at 5.30!!!
28.11.10
ran through my sequence to test timing....i'm way off...need to cut some of the stretches out....tried it twice...still unsure...am doing my session tomorrow...needless to say i'm really nervous....but keep remembering that the worse that can happen is i make an arse of self....we all know i'm used to that...
breakfast was frustrating. we are asked to observed; or should i say 'invited' as we are never told to do anything really.....anyway, everyone bar two of us actually observed the silence....sometimes i wonder why people can't just enjoy the silence....it was interesting to see how annoyed i got....was like watching children who just wouldn't shut up....i think it got to me worse today as i'm so friggin unsure of my sequence and feel unprepared compared to the others who've been doing yoga for a few years now....
i grabbed a couple of girls and tried out my flowing sequence which is the middle part and a bit difficult to teach...seemed to go really well and Linda was great, she did the whole thing with her eyes closed so she could follow my instructions...seemed to work out well....still a bit too long...but i have an idea of how to cut it a little shorter....
we left the resort and found ourselves at dunes having some more food, fresh juice and there are now four of us at a table in the restaurant with computers...it's quite funny...we talk but each are doing our own thing at the same time...i like this kind of interaction...just being with....
i realized today there are only 7 days left here and it's kind of sad....i'll really miss the group and being part of such a different experience.....
anyway...time to sign off, luch has started and i need to get back to eat, drink and be merry!!!
not sure what the rest of the day holds...maybe the beach....
am going to look for a silence retreat or health retreat and maybe only do two weeks at the elephant refuge....i still feel i need something more at this point....
time willl tell
love to all xxxx
26.11.10 in India
26.11.10
well another day has passed and today i was not very grateful...i'm sad i wasted a day on negative thoughts but none the less it has passed and that's what i've done...
the morning asana and meditation was as per usual....a plethera of thoughts and emotions....and of course the fidgetting....always the fidgetting....because of the constant pain....fuck how do these people sit there for hours upon hours without moving....i really have to buy some beads and use them for my meditation..one of the girls has rosary beads...think i mentioned this when i talked about the french lady who instisted on buying two of the same necklaces..unfortunately for me one was the exact thing that i wanted...anyway..i still haven't bought the beads but i'll look tomorrow....i think i'll go to the wifi area tomorrow for lunch and just update the blog and send a few emails...i think i'm feeling a little home sick today.....in need of some close friends and maybe a mummy hug....
haven't spent a lot of time on what i am going through and how this place and the situation makes me feels...not sure if it's something that could be shared in words to the degree that it affects...i haven't even kept a personal diary of it myself....some days i just cry at the simpliest of touch....it always seems that a touch will set me off which is very interesting...just in an observation kind of way...not trying to figure it out as i've come to understand that the why is neither here nor there...it just is...and you should just let it be...hope that doesn't sound too airy fairy but that's as simple as it gets....it's the trying to figure out shit that puts us in the emotional states...of which i spent the better part of today and have now realized i am getting what i am giving out. To most it is a high concrete wall...one i have tried desperately to break down on this trip...i know i made a few dents but nothing like what i was hoping for...not yet anyway....tonight i realized that maybe this part of my trip wasn't so i could find me again and connect with my real self but instead maybe this section in India was to allow me to just accept that i am perfect every second of everyday no matter the changes that happen along the way.....i know that deep down the latter is true but it just seems so very hard to accept at the moment...especially when you know there is an imbalance in what you feel you really are and what you actually portray.....such a huge imbalance and i have not yet figured out how to start bridging that gap....i feel i need to talk it out with one of the teachers but am not sure which one to ask...i hate asking for their time over what seems like trivial things in the big pictures.....i just keep thinking what if in the back of their mind they are thinking 'for god sake, get over yourself, just accept and move on, it's so fucking easy and you've made me waste my lunch time over this!!'...i could probably imagine Chris thinking that..or just in general wanting to be anywhere else but listening to that kind of shit...the others, maybe not but who really knows.....
we had our sharing circle today, the small group one which i love. we talked briefly about how we are feeling about heading out into the 'real' world soon. i admitted that i was fearful on one side but on the other not so much....i feared i'd lose myself again but then on the other side i felt i hadn't changed very much at all so there was really nothing to lose....it was all a bit negative and emotional and i ended up crying again.....(oh yeh, forgot to tell that i had spend part of my anatomy session in random tears as well....just a real sadness swept over me, not sure what about, i very rarely know why i cry at the moment but i'm not trying to justify it to myself either....Ellie came over to sit with me and she touched my shoulders and out it all come.....well not all of it but quite a bit....i wonder how much more is in there to come out and will get rid of more soon rather than later...it;s always a great feeling after you cry at least for a little while anyway....until you do something else that triggers something else deep down and we start the rollercoaster again...
i did feel at some point today that i probably should have chosen an Ashram..something more strict and less nice....or maybe that's just my self-deprevation speaking...make it hard or there's just no point to it....
i have booked for a Thai massage on my lunch break tomorrow and am really looking forward to it....after last nights little taster i forgot how good it all was....now that my back feels much better (now it's just my hips, knees, ankle, elbow etc.....) it will be about my whole body not just my back...
now, back to my actual day today....
after breakfast we had anatomy which was our test....each of our sharing groups had to come up with 10 questions that would be asked to a random individual to answer....mine a little obscure so i got quite stuck in how to answer...felt shit after that (and that was after my crying session earlier....i hate days where everything seems against you, even your own brain) why is it that i could answer most of the questions that were asked of other individuals but got stuck with mine...i couldn't even figure out what the actual question meant which was embarassing and demeaning....where has my brain gone to!!!???
after anatomy we had 1 hour practice our 1 hour assessment program, Katya and I paired up...i know she is confortable with me and i was happy to be asked. Katya had not quite come up with a program so i tested mine on her....there was a couple of things that i would leave out but all in all she seemed to think it was pretty good. ..it's still slow based so i may pick it up in the middle with some dynamic moves....just need to figure out what those will be..
after lunch we had karma yoga and a small group of us decided on beach cleaning....i think i mentioned before that the beach, although beautiful is very very littered.....Chris keeps saying it's becasue of the monsoon...things get picked up by the excess water and find their way into the waterways.....this might be partly true but they also have rubbish piles just randomly in the street and then they burn it....not sure who decides when to burn and if they have a designated day for burning off like we do for water but no wonder when the monsoon rains come that the waterways are filled with crap...it's the crap they leave on the road....be thankful we have rubbish collectors!!!!!
after karma yoga we take a group photo and then go into our small sharing circle....i'm wiped after that so i go off to be..write this piece and am just about to turn the lights off.....tonight was dancing, which normally would have been great fun but i'm just not in the mood....
think i should go to sleep and hopefully wake up a better person tomorrow.....
i love the silence, i just need so much more of it at the moment...oh yeh, today i got protein....two tins of sardines for breakfast and for lunch they made omlettes.....yeh for real food!!!!
tomorrow, baked beans maybe....
night to all xxxxx
well another day has passed and today i was not very grateful...i'm sad i wasted a day on negative thoughts but none the less it has passed and that's what i've done...
the morning asana and meditation was as per usual....a plethera of thoughts and emotions....and of course the fidgetting....always the fidgetting....because of the constant pain....fuck how do these people sit there for hours upon hours without moving....i really have to buy some beads and use them for my meditation..one of the girls has rosary beads...think i mentioned this when i talked about the french lady who instisted on buying two of the same necklaces..unfortunately for me one was the exact thing that i wanted...anyway..i still haven't bought the beads but i'll look tomorrow....i think i'll go to the wifi area tomorrow for lunch and just update the blog and send a few emails...i think i'm feeling a little home sick today.....in need of some close friends and maybe a mummy hug....
haven't spent a lot of time on what i am going through and how this place and the situation makes me feels...not sure if it's something that could be shared in words to the degree that it affects...i haven't even kept a personal diary of it myself....some days i just cry at the simpliest of touch....it always seems that a touch will set me off which is very interesting...just in an observation kind of way...not trying to figure it out as i've come to understand that the why is neither here nor there...it just is...and you should just let it be...hope that doesn't sound too airy fairy but that's as simple as it gets....it's the trying to figure out shit that puts us in the emotional states...of which i spent the better part of today and have now realized i am getting what i am giving out. To most it is a high concrete wall...one i have tried desperately to break down on this trip...i know i made a few dents but nothing like what i was hoping for...not yet anyway....tonight i realized that maybe this part of my trip wasn't so i could find me again and connect with my real self but instead maybe this section in India was to allow me to just accept that i am perfect every second of everyday no matter the changes that happen along the way.....i know that deep down the latter is true but it just seems so very hard to accept at the moment...especially when you know there is an imbalance in what you feel you really are and what you actually portray.....such a huge imbalance and i have not yet figured out how to start bridging that gap....i feel i need to talk it out with one of the teachers but am not sure which one to ask...i hate asking for their time over what seems like trivial things in the big pictures.....i just keep thinking what if in the back of their mind they are thinking 'for god sake, get over yourself, just accept and move on, it's so fucking easy and you've made me waste my lunch time over this!!'...i could probably imagine Chris thinking that..or just in general wanting to be anywhere else but listening to that kind of shit...the others, maybe not but who really knows.....
we had our sharing circle today, the small group one which i love. we talked briefly about how we are feeling about heading out into the 'real' world soon. i admitted that i was fearful on one side but on the other not so much....i feared i'd lose myself again but then on the other side i felt i hadn't changed very much at all so there was really nothing to lose....it was all a bit negative and emotional and i ended up crying again.....(oh yeh, forgot to tell that i had spend part of my anatomy session in random tears as well....just a real sadness swept over me, not sure what about, i very rarely know why i cry at the moment but i'm not trying to justify it to myself either....Ellie came over to sit with me and she touched my shoulders and out it all come.....well not all of it but quite a bit....i wonder how much more is in there to come out and will get rid of more soon rather than later...it;s always a great feeling after you cry at least for a little while anyway....until you do something else that triggers something else deep down and we start the rollercoaster again...
i did feel at some point today that i probably should have chosen an Ashram..something more strict and less nice....or maybe that's just my self-deprevation speaking...make it hard or there's just no point to it....
i have booked for a Thai massage on my lunch break tomorrow and am really looking forward to it....after last nights little taster i forgot how good it all was....now that my back feels much better (now it's just my hips, knees, ankle, elbow etc.....) it will be about my whole body not just my back...
now, back to my actual day today....
after breakfast we had anatomy which was our test....each of our sharing groups had to come up with 10 questions that would be asked to a random individual to answer....mine a little obscure so i got quite stuck in how to answer...felt shit after that (and that was after my crying session earlier....i hate days where everything seems against you, even your own brain) why is it that i could answer most of the questions that were asked of other individuals but got stuck with mine...i couldn't even figure out what the actual question meant which was embarassing and demeaning....where has my brain gone to!!!???
after anatomy we had 1 hour practice our 1 hour assessment program, Katya and I paired up...i know she is confortable with me and i was happy to be asked. Katya had not quite come up with a program so i tested mine on her....there was a couple of things that i would leave out but all in all she seemed to think it was pretty good. ..it's still slow based so i may pick it up in the middle with some dynamic moves....just need to figure out what those will be..
after lunch we had karma yoga and a small group of us decided on beach cleaning....i think i mentioned before that the beach, although beautiful is very very littered.....Chris keeps saying it's becasue of the monsoon...things get picked up by the excess water and find their way into the waterways.....this might be partly true but they also have rubbish piles just randomly in the street and then they burn it....not sure who decides when to burn and if they have a designated day for burning off like we do for water but no wonder when the monsoon rains come that the waterways are filled with crap...it's the crap they leave on the road....be thankful we have rubbish collectors!!!!!
after karma yoga we take a group photo and then go into our small sharing circle....i'm wiped after that so i go off to be..write this piece and am just about to turn the lights off.....tonight was dancing, which normally would have been great fun but i'm just not in the mood....
think i should go to sleep and hopefully wake up a better person tomorrow.....
i love the silence, i just need so much more of it at the moment...oh yeh, today i got protein....two tins of sardines for breakfast and for lunch they made omlettes.....yeh for real food!!!!
tomorrow, baked beans maybe....
night to all xxxxx
25.11.10 in India
25.11
could not get up this morning....the joints in my body are aching are so badly....would it be ok to take a sick day today......guess not...
off to meditation, pranayama and then my 2 hour morning practice....this morning i managed to lay on the mat for two hours rolling around and doing other various body movements that allowed me to keep my arse firmly on the mat....i could barely keep my eyes open....what the hell is wrong with my body....i pray for it to be over so i can just go and have breakfast....am starving and my tummy keeps grumbling along with that sick feeling as well...it not surprising after i stuffed myself stupid yesterday......(oh i don;t think i mentioned that in my second draft...it was in the first one that closed down on me.....yep, had an eating frenzy....was kind of lost with the speak, don;'t speak stuff and when i eventually got back to my room i decided to consume quite a few of the snacks that i had bought for the next few days......i found that chocolate which is too sweet for me normally goes really well with a dry cracker and water......crunchy and creamy and the plain cracker soaks up some of the sweetness with it's blandness...happy food blending.....unhappy belly.....there's some more food to try and get out of my system....) ahh the thought makes me want to vomit but it's my own stupid fault....got caught in my head space and was not very calm about it....i realized that is one of my very bad habbits and one which i'm glad to have noticed...now to just pick up on it before i head into it again....
breakfast soon comes and as i sit down to my fresh fruit and roasted honey nuts with a slice of bread i soon realize why my body is so unbelievably sore (now i say this as i used to really work my body hard and i am in no way working it as i used to)...protein....not enough protein....sure we have beans for lunch and dinner but breakfast is just carbs carbs and more carbs...nothing to feed out muscles....with all the carbs we eat i am now craving sweets during the day and acting on it....a cake here, a budda dream slice there (oh my god this slice is amazing...they actually sell out of it everyday!!!)...a chocolate bar...or two....it's stupid....i need to get back to my eggs.....i'm going to ask tomorrow if i can buy eggs and have them boiled so i can keep them in my room and eat them for breakfast instead....maybe even some savory beans for breakfast....i need something that is more nourishing now....and the other thing is when you're body is high in sugar your joints hurts more and this is not helping my back to heal either.....MUST have a word with someone about this tomorrow.
We finished our mini class sessions today and i think we are all going to make pretty great teachers by the end of this... just some more actual practice; which hopefully i;ll get when i;m in thailand....offer it to my fellow volunteers....keep me and my practice going either way.
after our mini classes we all got together in the round challa for an offering to the gods....we were asked to bring something that meant a lot to us, a picture, a token of home, a daiety or the like.....what the fuck....i didn't bring anything like that with me.....the only thing i have that means the world to me is my necklace....ok, maybe not the world but it has significance in my mind.....crap..i don;t want to give that up, i kind of feel lost without it....it reminds me of second chances and more.....i know we are getting it back, wish i had of bought a cheap necklace or one of those daiety statues i keep looking at....
we chant, we light candles, we sing, we dance, we pray and we offer up our sacred peice to the gods and ask to be looked over.....tears well up as i kneel down before the alter with my head on the ground and my arms above my head offering my necklace....i should have just cried....not sure why i keep holding that shit in.....footnote to self.....release this shit once and for all.....if you want to cry, cry...if you want to yell, yell....it's so much worse when you bottle you in...
after we all make our offering we then head to the river with a flower and we chant together, releasing our flowers into the river....i forgot why we did this but it was moving at the time....must ask someone about the intention of the flower into the river....i know it will be an offering again but not sure what for....
lunch time was next....sat on the beach.....had every intention of looking over some standing poses to add to my hour session but it was such a nice day and my body was so tired i just lay there.....didn;t even go for a dip...didn;t have the energy to fight the waves....shower, dress and off to class. This session is about giving and receiving in the form of a massage....we each get and give a half hour thai massage, guided by our lovely teachers Susie and Yamina....
to start we did some exercises and then gathered some energy....oh and yes we did chant more....i don;t think i ever get sick of chanting....then we closed our eyes and let the magnetic field around us pull us to our partner for this session....i was truly lucky and was partnered with Linda...she is one of my very favorite people here....she has a soft nurturing was about her but still has a very strong and solid energy...reliable...she is alike a hug...soft and reassuring....she let's me receive first and i am truly greatful....first we have to connect with our partners so we are asked to stand infront of each other, stare into the other persons eyes and we are asked to think of us as one...see if we can blend both of us together in our energies so that we each receive the healing of Thai massage. it was a really nice moment...strange to look at someone for so long but lucky i have done that before...thanks again Human Potentials and my course on life!!!
I have to say...i surrendered pretty much from the moment my body laid back on the mat....the rest was pure bliss....think i'll book our thai massage guy we have on site...see if i can get in on Sunday or during a lunch break sometime....
Once my session was over we then swapped....it was great to be guided through in the technique...would love to have had that filmed, it's a really lovely little massage.....hopefully i remember most of it.....will try it out on someone else and see how i go...
oh that reminds me....i just kept seeing wildlife today....it stared with the frog and the tortoise in the pond outside Kim's room (which used to be my room), then i saw a really little frill neck like lizard but with out the frill on the shrub i was sitting next to at breakfast, then i saw a bee making a hive under a leaf....not sure how that will go for the little guy....next was lunch and another lizard...big one this time...half way across the paddock there is a pile of wood.....i heard a noise and looked up to see this lizard just landing on a log that was protruding from the pile...he was sunning himself....at no stage did i have my camera on me today....again, footnote to self...always take camera!!!
after my thai massage i went off to the shop...determined to get some protein of some sort that i can have to snack on or to at least replace breakfast.....get there and the power is out...lucky i have a torch!!,.......i search the shelves and finally purchase some sardines in oil, baked beans and some strange looking cheese....not sure what is worse..the highly processed cheese or the fruit full of sugar!!!.....
starting from tomorrow i am eating more protein and getting off this sugar treadmill......oh did i mention the bounty bar i bought along with the other stuff....
ok, tonight was my last night...besides i didn't eat dinner.....and got caught is a massive down pour....by the time i got back to my little hut there was not power and i was soaking!!!!
was supposed to go for a movie night tonight.....i passed on it....too tired.....needed to lay down...
now it's time to close the eyes and call it a day...
big love to today and those that made it all that more special
xxxxx
could not get up this morning....the joints in my body are aching are so badly....would it be ok to take a sick day today......guess not...
off to meditation, pranayama and then my 2 hour morning practice....this morning i managed to lay on the mat for two hours rolling around and doing other various body movements that allowed me to keep my arse firmly on the mat....i could barely keep my eyes open....what the hell is wrong with my body....i pray for it to be over so i can just go and have breakfast....am starving and my tummy keeps grumbling along with that sick feeling as well...it not surprising after i stuffed myself stupid yesterday......(oh i don;t think i mentioned that in my second draft...it was in the first one that closed down on me.....yep, had an eating frenzy....was kind of lost with the speak, don;'t speak stuff and when i eventually got back to my room i decided to consume quite a few of the snacks that i had bought for the next few days......i found that chocolate which is too sweet for me normally goes really well with a dry cracker and water......crunchy and creamy and the plain cracker soaks up some of the sweetness with it's blandness...happy food blending.....unhappy belly.....there's some more food to try and get out of my system....) ahh the thought makes me want to vomit but it's my own stupid fault....got caught in my head space and was not very calm about it....i realized that is one of my very bad habbits and one which i'm glad to have noticed...now to just pick up on it before i head into it again....
breakfast soon comes and as i sit down to my fresh fruit and roasted honey nuts with a slice of bread i soon realize why my body is so unbelievably sore (now i say this as i used to really work my body hard and i am in no way working it as i used to)...protein....not enough protein....sure we have beans for lunch and dinner but breakfast is just carbs carbs and more carbs...nothing to feed out muscles....with all the carbs we eat i am now craving sweets during the day and acting on it....a cake here, a budda dream slice there (oh my god this slice is amazing...they actually sell out of it everyday!!!)...a chocolate bar...or two....it's stupid....i need to get back to my eggs.....i'm going to ask tomorrow if i can buy eggs and have them boiled so i can keep them in my room and eat them for breakfast instead....maybe even some savory beans for breakfast....i need something that is more nourishing now....and the other thing is when you're body is high in sugar your joints hurts more and this is not helping my back to heal either.....MUST have a word with someone about this tomorrow.
We finished our mini class sessions today and i think we are all going to make pretty great teachers by the end of this... just some more actual practice; which hopefully i;ll get when i;m in thailand....offer it to my fellow volunteers....keep me and my practice going either way.
after our mini classes we all got together in the round challa for an offering to the gods....we were asked to bring something that meant a lot to us, a picture, a token of home, a daiety or the like.....what the fuck....i didn't bring anything like that with me.....the only thing i have that means the world to me is my necklace....ok, maybe not the world but it has significance in my mind.....crap..i don;t want to give that up, i kind of feel lost without it....it reminds me of second chances and more.....i know we are getting it back, wish i had of bought a cheap necklace or one of those daiety statues i keep looking at....
we chant, we light candles, we sing, we dance, we pray and we offer up our sacred peice to the gods and ask to be looked over.....tears well up as i kneel down before the alter with my head on the ground and my arms above my head offering my necklace....i should have just cried....not sure why i keep holding that shit in.....footnote to self.....release this shit once and for all.....if you want to cry, cry...if you want to yell, yell....it's so much worse when you bottle you in...
after we all make our offering we then head to the river with a flower and we chant together, releasing our flowers into the river....i forgot why we did this but it was moving at the time....must ask someone about the intention of the flower into the river....i know it will be an offering again but not sure what for....
lunch time was next....sat on the beach.....had every intention of looking over some standing poses to add to my hour session but it was such a nice day and my body was so tired i just lay there.....didn;t even go for a dip...didn;t have the energy to fight the waves....shower, dress and off to class. This session is about giving and receiving in the form of a massage....we each get and give a half hour thai massage, guided by our lovely teachers Susie and Yamina....
to start we did some exercises and then gathered some energy....oh and yes we did chant more....i don;t think i ever get sick of chanting....then we closed our eyes and let the magnetic field around us pull us to our partner for this session....i was truly lucky and was partnered with Linda...she is one of my very favorite people here....she has a soft nurturing was about her but still has a very strong and solid energy...reliable...she is alike a hug...soft and reassuring....she let's me receive first and i am truly greatful....first we have to connect with our partners so we are asked to stand infront of each other, stare into the other persons eyes and we are asked to think of us as one...see if we can blend both of us together in our energies so that we each receive the healing of Thai massage. it was a really nice moment...strange to look at someone for so long but lucky i have done that before...thanks again Human Potentials and my course on life!!!
I have to say...i surrendered pretty much from the moment my body laid back on the mat....the rest was pure bliss....think i'll book our thai massage guy we have on site...see if i can get in on Sunday or during a lunch break sometime....
Once my session was over we then swapped....it was great to be guided through in the technique...would love to have had that filmed, it's a really lovely little massage.....hopefully i remember most of it.....will try it out on someone else and see how i go...
oh that reminds me....i just kept seeing wildlife today....it stared with the frog and the tortoise in the pond outside Kim's room (which used to be my room), then i saw a really little frill neck like lizard but with out the frill on the shrub i was sitting next to at breakfast, then i saw a bee making a hive under a leaf....not sure how that will go for the little guy....next was lunch and another lizard...big one this time...half way across the paddock there is a pile of wood.....i heard a noise and looked up to see this lizard just landing on a log that was protruding from the pile...he was sunning himself....at no stage did i have my camera on me today....again, footnote to self...always take camera!!!
after my thai massage i went off to the shop...determined to get some protein of some sort that i can have to snack on or to at least replace breakfast.....get there and the power is out...lucky i have a torch!!,.......i search the shelves and finally purchase some sardines in oil, baked beans and some strange looking cheese....not sure what is worse..the highly processed cheese or the fruit full of sugar!!!.....
starting from tomorrow i am eating more protein and getting off this sugar treadmill......oh did i mention the bounty bar i bought along with the other stuff....
ok, tonight was my last night...besides i didn't eat dinner.....and got caught is a massive down pour....by the time i got back to my little hut there was not power and i was soaking!!!!
was supposed to go for a movie night tonight.....i passed on it....too tired.....needed to lay down...
now it's time to close the eyes and call it a day...
big love to today and those that made it all that more special
xxxxx
24.11.10 India
i just typed for over an hour about my day today...
i must have leaned on something and the entire thing was lost....
now i am sad and pissed off....
i wonder if this is my Karma for being negative toward the shop keeper and the French lady (who is running a group at Ashyana...i find her extremely rude. nothing different about how i found her when we wanted to purchase the same thing...she actually bought the last two of them...was a bizarre little discussion in a circle...firstly she just wanted one..then when i was definate about purchasing the other one she decided she needed both....Fuck her...yep...not nice but that was the thought ...it was fuck her and fuck the shop keeper...i tried asking if he could make more but he didn't have anymore of the same stones...i really really needed that fuckin necklace....i have been trying to find something that i like that i could use like rosary beads to make my meditation a bit better..more concentrated...i find the one thing that i like and that fuckin cow takes both of them.....FUCK HER AND THE HORSE SHE RODE IN ON...
ok...that off my chest now...i'm signing off and will update today later tomorrow.
notes:
morning class...nervous about teaching
got up in the morning and although i knew our mini sessions had been planned for wednesday and thursday the nerves when i saw it posted on our daily routine board really kicked in...all through my own practice, all two hours of it i couldn;t help but to go over and over in my head what my routine was....when i tried it out in practice class i went over time....a whole ten minutes...i knew i had to change it but i just didn;t know what to drop and what to keep. i then started to think that i would be better off choosing something different altogeher...i didn't think the routine was up to scratch and i felt i didn't have enough asana's in my routine...considering this is for a yoga teacher i thought i should actually have poses where i instructed more...the routine i had lacked that badly....i spent the first half of my morning practice thinking about it and the next half trying different blends....by the end of it i was tired and confused...i resigned myself to the fact that what ever happens i am not doing my mini class today....pray...just keep praying that they choose the others...not me....i'll have enough time later today on my half day off to come up with something great, try it out and be set for the next day....all through breakfast i wrote and rewrote my sequence....shit, what about the actual instructions....it's fine to come up with a sequence but now i have to consider the main points about the instructions....crap..nerves are really getting me now....i've scoffed my breakfast...i don;t even remember eating most of it (thank god really as i had a bread roll with crunch spirilina and butter....yummy.....NOT..what's the fuckin deal with white bread....it's super bad for you and they've served it here twice....i'm confused....)...still not satisfied i continue my praying and reassurance that i will not have to do my mini class today....
we all met up in the round challa for a quick chat and to advise that we would be training our small circle group only but our teacher will change (our normal teacher for small circle is Alex...he is there to hold the space and direct if necessary)..our group will be supervised by yamina who i love...hard not to love her...she is love....through and through...i wish i could see the aura as i've been told her's is quite amazing....anyway back to the mini class.
My group is to do their sessions in the treehouse challa...YEH...i love this area....tree tops and wood...i am at home and at peace there....which probably explains the next thing that happened.
Yamina asked if there was any volunteer to go first today.....surprise surprise i shot up my hand so straight....almost like saying ME ME ME...pick ME...i'm a fucken desperate!!!!!....so it was me, fabian and ellie to go first today...
we were then asked who would like to go first out of us three....yep you guessed it....again my hand shot up...no one was taking this place....i made sure of that...up on my feet and ready to take action.....
i think that's when the OH CRAP feeling set in....kind of like i;d played a really bad joke on myself.....now i'm in the poo....nothing left to do now but jump right into it...
my session started with some awareness and centering, then slow movements to wake up the spine, followed with full bodfy relaxation...i used a technique that when i first tried it it made me relax, giggle and feel great....
the comments on the session where all positive and that's really nice but i think i'd have preferred to hear something i could work on more....for god sake i;m not that friggin good.....maybe everyone didn't want to say anything bad as i was the first....i'll never know so i'll stop thinking about it now....
Fabian's class was in french, surprising enough you can still follow most of it with your eyes closed...was a great leg strethcing routine....we all decided we were going to put that sequence in our bag of goodies....
elle's class - enlightening....moving...she embodies the goddess of the earth and such a giving soul...she is amazning for someone so young...i admire her character, truthfulness and open heart...i know everyone probably feels this with her but it's hard not to think that our souls are linked..she somehow manages to speak my heart truth...feelings i can not express she manages to say and it releases my heart at that same time...a bizarre feeling but I do love her to peices....hard not to when she has my words :)
today we also get to do karma yoga...not sure if i've discussed this before but Karma yoga is not quite yoga but more of the Karma part with keeping in the theme of our Patanjali Sutras (i will discuss the Sutra's at some time as they are very enlightening but also cause so much turmoil and discussion) i decided on being part of the team that helped clean the round challa, took 4 of us the whole 90 minutes to reorganize the mats, bolsters, mop the floor by hand, wash the walls down and tidy the place up in general....really made a difference to the way the energy is in the room now....Ellie told us the other day in the sharing circle that the round challa has bad energy and she had been trying to clear it out without any real luck....because it is round with minimal windows you stare at white walls and columns....most of our theory classes are held in that room and i can tell you there has been more than one occassion when someone has nodded off!!....she also explained that it has a lower vibrational energy so it takes more time to bring us up to a higher vibrational energy keeping us interested and happy....it all make sense when you see the difference in the group between the round challa; which is great for chanting because the round room makes the voices bounce back and resonate, and the main challa which is made of wood, wood and more wood with three quarters of it open to the gardens surrounding it...of course we have mosquito nets...not that they help much as we also have large areas of roof missing so that the palm trees could remain.....there are three in a central line in this room...yoga here is the beautiful as it feels like you are in the garden...the noises are great the fresh air...everything about it.....
anyway....we cleaned the round challa and we all felt pretty darn good after it...
have i mentioned we are in our first day of a two day silence.....which is stupid as we had to talk for our mini class and again for karma yoga...logistically speaking..no chit chat but still....if you want us in silence...give us the space to have to have the opportunity for full silence....i would have much preferred that then speak, don;t speak, speak, don;t speak...tomorrow will be similar no doubt....they should have assigned homework for these two days and we could have enjoyed the silence as well as the solititude....oh well....kind of feels pointless and breaks you out of the routine of silence....i forgot a couple of times; which i never do and ended up speaking without realizing.....give me two solid days any day...the back and forth with speaking has really stuffed me up...
decided to try and log into the wifi here from the dining room...i was told i would be able to access it there...no such luck...instead i started work on my one hour assessment class to be held sometime next week...got distracted and wrote out a whole bunch of asanas that I wanted to try and would be able to do in the morning practice.....
after spending about and hour on that i decided it was best i go check my emails and maybe update my blog...i got to the wifi place; which is a hotel up the road where they have table and chairs outside so people can use the wifi...i fired up the computer and started emailing...unfortunately for me i was attacked by a swarm of mosquitos.....they love my arse!!!...and my legs....i can no loger count the amount of bites on me....it's ridiculous.....the mosquito coils and repellents are useless against this super strain of man sucking vampires......needless to say i didn't spend much time emailing and definately didn't bother updating the blog....
may do that over that weekend....might just bore everyone with my day to day ramblings....sure they'd all love that...
the end of the day was our big sharing circle....we sit in the round challa, chant and om for while and then we hand around a crystal which Yamina had special for our group...the person with the crystal gets to speak about their feelings....we don;t do stories here....thank god for that ....if you want t express something you just say the feeling....not the how and the why...just the feeling....and then you sit with that and observe yourself...sounds strange but i like it...i do get sick of everyone saying only positive things though....the first time we did this exercise was very early on and everyone said things like joy, love, connectedness, peace...blah blah blah and i'm sure they are all genuine....me, well i said....lost...i felt lost....i was with a whole bunch of people i didn't know in a country i was unsure of and i just wasn't feeling the love....most of the time i don't share; you have an option to hand the crytal to the person next to you if you do not feel like sharing or speaking....i choose this options most of the time....the second time I shared was during the week that i hurt my back....everyone was still saying very positive things...me i just felt plain old vulnerable.....i'm learning that sometimes even if it is the truth...you are best to keep saying nothing....it bring the energy down and i dont want that on my shoulders....
This evening we were all asked to make a comment about the silence and we were feeling about it...i said amused...really wanting to ad that i was amused at how pointless the exercise was....well you heard my take on that earlier so no point flogging a dead horse.....
Tonight i have to admit....i'm just in pain ....i need some relief now....it;s just waring me down....i',m tired from not sleeping well due to my back, my sciatic nerve has just been playing up again and kept me awake with constant pain....pain killers are not helping either....oh did i mention i'm constipated, yes i'm in india and i'm constipated!!!!!...sometimes i wish i;d get some india belly just to clear me out.....
update completed....i now need to type out what happened today as i was just typing about yesterday due to the erasing of my original typing....refer opening comment to remind you....xx
i must have leaned on something and the entire thing was lost....
now i am sad and pissed off....
i wonder if this is my Karma for being negative toward the shop keeper and the French lady (who is running a group at Ashyana...i find her extremely rude. nothing different about how i found her when we wanted to purchase the same thing...she actually bought the last two of them...was a bizarre little discussion in a circle...firstly she just wanted one..then when i was definate about purchasing the other one she decided she needed both....Fuck her...yep...not nice but that was the thought ...it was fuck her and fuck the shop keeper...i tried asking if he could make more but he didn't have anymore of the same stones...i really really needed that fuckin necklace....i have been trying to find something that i like that i could use like rosary beads to make my meditation a bit better..more concentrated...i find the one thing that i like and that fuckin cow takes both of them.....FUCK HER AND THE HORSE SHE RODE IN ON...
ok...that off my chest now...i'm signing off and will update today later tomorrow.
notes:
morning class...nervous about teaching
got up in the morning and although i knew our mini sessions had been planned for wednesday and thursday the nerves when i saw it posted on our daily routine board really kicked in...all through my own practice, all two hours of it i couldn;t help but to go over and over in my head what my routine was....when i tried it out in practice class i went over time....a whole ten minutes...i knew i had to change it but i just didn;t know what to drop and what to keep. i then started to think that i would be better off choosing something different altogeher...i didn't think the routine was up to scratch and i felt i didn't have enough asana's in my routine...considering this is for a yoga teacher i thought i should actually have poses where i instructed more...the routine i had lacked that badly....i spent the first half of my morning practice thinking about it and the next half trying different blends....by the end of it i was tired and confused...i resigned myself to the fact that what ever happens i am not doing my mini class today....pray...just keep praying that they choose the others...not me....i'll have enough time later today on my half day off to come up with something great, try it out and be set for the next day....all through breakfast i wrote and rewrote my sequence....shit, what about the actual instructions....it's fine to come up with a sequence but now i have to consider the main points about the instructions....crap..nerves are really getting me now....i've scoffed my breakfast...i don;t even remember eating most of it (thank god really as i had a bread roll with crunch spirilina and butter....yummy.....NOT..what's the fuckin deal with white bread....it's super bad for you and they've served it here twice....i'm confused....)...still not satisfied i continue my praying and reassurance that i will not have to do my mini class today....
we all met up in the round challa for a quick chat and to advise that we would be training our small circle group only but our teacher will change (our normal teacher for small circle is Alex...he is there to hold the space and direct if necessary)..our group will be supervised by yamina who i love...hard not to love her...she is love....through and through...i wish i could see the aura as i've been told her's is quite amazing....anyway back to the mini class.
My group is to do their sessions in the treehouse challa...YEH...i love this area....tree tops and wood...i am at home and at peace there....which probably explains the next thing that happened.
Yamina asked if there was any volunteer to go first today.....surprise surprise i shot up my hand so straight....almost like saying ME ME ME...pick ME...i'm a fucken desperate!!!!!....so it was me, fabian and ellie to go first today...
we were then asked who would like to go first out of us three....yep you guessed it....again my hand shot up...no one was taking this place....i made sure of that...up on my feet and ready to take action.....
i think that's when the OH CRAP feeling set in....kind of like i;d played a really bad joke on myself.....now i'm in the poo....nothing left to do now but jump right into it...
my session started with some awareness and centering, then slow movements to wake up the spine, followed with full bodfy relaxation...i used a technique that when i first tried it it made me relax, giggle and feel great....
the comments on the session where all positive and that's really nice but i think i'd have preferred to hear something i could work on more....for god sake i;m not that friggin good.....maybe everyone didn't want to say anything bad as i was the first....i'll never know so i'll stop thinking about it now....
Fabian's class was in french, surprising enough you can still follow most of it with your eyes closed...was a great leg strethcing routine....we all decided we were going to put that sequence in our bag of goodies....
elle's class - enlightening....moving...she embodies the goddess of the earth and such a giving soul...she is amazning for someone so young...i admire her character, truthfulness and open heart...i know everyone probably feels this with her but it's hard not to think that our souls are linked..she somehow manages to speak my heart truth...feelings i can not express she manages to say and it releases my heart at that same time...a bizarre feeling but I do love her to peices....hard not to when she has my words :)
today we also get to do karma yoga...not sure if i've discussed this before but Karma yoga is not quite yoga but more of the Karma part with keeping in the theme of our Patanjali Sutras (i will discuss the Sutra's at some time as they are very enlightening but also cause so much turmoil and discussion) i decided on being part of the team that helped clean the round challa, took 4 of us the whole 90 minutes to reorganize the mats, bolsters, mop the floor by hand, wash the walls down and tidy the place up in general....really made a difference to the way the energy is in the room now....Ellie told us the other day in the sharing circle that the round challa has bad energy and she had been trying to clear it out without any real luck....because it is round with minimal windows you stare at white walls and columns....most of our theory classes are held in that room and i can tell you there has been more than one occassion when someone has nodded off!!....she also explained that it has a lower vibrational energy so it takes more time to bring us up to a higher vibrational energy keeping us interested and happy....it all make sense when you see the difference in the group between the round challa; which is great for chanting because the round room makes the voices bounce back and resonate, and the main challa which is made of wood, wood and more wood with three quarters of it open to the gardens surrounding it...of course we have mosquito nets...not that they help much as we also have large areas of roof missing so that the palm trees could remain.....there are three in a central line in this room...yoga here is the beautiful as it feels like you are in the garden...the noises are great the fresh air...everything about it.....
anyway....we cleaned the round challa and we all felt pretty darn good after it...
have i mentioned we are in our first day of a two day silence.....which is stupid as we had to talk for our mini class and again for karma yoga...logistically speaking..no chit chat but still....if you want us in silence...give us the space to have to have the opportunity for full silence....i would have much preferred that then speak, don;t speak, speak, don;t speak...tomorrow will be similar no doubt....they should have assigned homework for these two days and we could have enjoyed the silence as well as the solititude....oh well....kind of feels pointless and breaks you out of the routine of silence....i forgot a couple of times; which i never do and ended up speaking without realizing.....give me two solid days any day...the back and forth with speaking has really stuffed me up...
decided to try and log into the wifi here from the dining room...i was told i would be able to access it there...no such luck...instead i started work on my one hour assessment class to be held sometime next week...got distracted and wrote out a whole bunch of asanas that I wanted to try and would be able to do in the morning practice.....
after spending about and hour on that i decided it was best i go check my emails and maybe update my blog...i got to the wifi place; which is a hotel up the road where they have table and chairs outside so people can use the wifi...i fired up the computer and started emailing...unfortunately for me i was attacked by a swarm of mosquitos.....they love my arse!!!...and my legs....i can no loger count the amount of bites on me....it's ridiculous.....the mosquito coils and repellents are useless against this super strain of man sucking vampires......needless to say i didn't spend much time emailing and definately didn't bother updating the blog....
may do that over that weekend....might just bore everyone with my day to day ramblings....sure they'd all love that...
the end of the day was our big sharing circle....we sit in the round challa, chant and om for while and then we hand around a crystal which Yamina had special for our group...the person with the crystal gets to speak about their feelings....we don;t do stories here....thank god for that ....if you want t express something you just say the feeling....not the how and the why...just the feeling....and then you sit with that and observe yourself...sounds strange but i like it...i do get sick of everyone saying only positive things though....the first time we did this exercise was very early on and everyone said things like joy, love, connectedness, peace...blah blah blah and i'm sure they are all genuine....me, well i said....lost...i felt lost....i was with a whole bunch of people i didn't know in a country i was unsure of and i just wasn't feeling the love....most of the time i don't share; you have an option to hand the crytal to the person next to you if you do not feel like sharing or speaking....i choose this options most of the time....the second time I shared was during the week that i hurt my back....everyone was still saying very positive things...me i just felt plain old vulnerable.....i'm learning that sometimes even if it is the truth...you are best to keep saying nothing....it bring the energy down and i dont want that on my shoulders....
This evening we were all asked to make a comment about the silence and we were feeling about it...i said amused...really wanting to ad that i was amused at how pointless the exercise was....well you heard my take on that earlier so no point flogging a dead horse.....
Tonight i have to admit....i'm just in pain ....i need some relief now....it;s just waring me down....i',m tired from not sleeping well due to my back, my sciatic nerve has just been playing up again and kept me awake with constant pain....pain killers are not helping either....oh did i mention i'm constipated, yes i'm in india and i'm constipated!!!!!...sometimes i wish i;d get some india belly just to clear me out.....
update completed....i now need to type out what happened today as i was just typing about yesterday due to the erasing of my original typing....refer opening comment to remind you....xx
Sunday, November 21, 2010
2 Weeks in India
hello, hello, hello.....
Wow...2 weeks have just flown by but not really, but looking back it has, but when i was in it it wasn't.....
firstly hope all is well with everyone...i'm smiling as i'm typing cause this is the first contact i've had with anyone for the past two weeks...it's nice....
So obvioulsy i finally have some time to write about the last two weeks...
it's hard to know where to start and summarize not wanting to make anything here irrelevant.
From day one i met the two most amazing people who have definately left an inprint in my heart.
Kim from Canada...one of the oldest in the group and by far one of the funniest and most genuine people i've ever met...(more about her later)
Mukesh who is our wonderful receptionist and who has the most welcoming smile...it's hard to believe anyone couldn't like him...he's one of those people you want to bottle up and take everywhere with you...his smile actually does warm your heart...he's the most beautiful energy.
There are 25 of us students and we come from all, but the majority seems to be Canadian, American, English and even one more Aussie apart from myself...and yes i know everyones names; thanks to a great name game we played on day 3...actually my memory is getting much better here...must be all the lentils!!!
Food...i'll just get this out of the way....AMAZING....i love being cooked for everyday...i love coming into the dining area and knowing that our 4 Nepalise cooks will have each of my meals ready for me to dish up and they are such lovely people...can't understand anything they say to me and nor can they understand anything i say to them..such a wonderful relationship...they prepare, cook and clean just for me (oh and the other 50 people at the resort)...i'm thinking of marrying one of them!!
Now before i get started on the training and the teachers and the students which will take up most of the time, i have to tell you about my accommodation. Originally i was sharing with Kim and Neuong (another student) in the Lake Down room...a very large stone room with three beds and two bathrooms....very very beautiful during the day when you have the doors open and the light and breeze can come through, but at night when it's all shut up...it was like being in a cave!!! lucky that before i moved in with the girls i had already been approached by Chandra (our wonderful resort manager) who guaranteed me that i will be moving to a beach hut as soon as it was finished. The monsooon season had been unpredictable and had delayed building works...a week later...i'm here in my beach hut room..newly built (by hand) and just off the beach...i have sea views from my balcony (and my room if i leave my door open but i'm not in the room that often...our study is kind of insane!!)...We have guards patrolling the resort which spans a huge distance...it takes me a good 8 minutes to reach the classroom and i'm on the same property...it's wonderful...i never imagined it was going to be this beautiful..
Side note: today i discussed how i had realized i had already started to take thing here for granted...like the lovely view, the beach, the food, the whole experience...i had to litereally shake myself and say YOU are in India...you are actually living a dream, living a real culture that you love, you are surrounded by like minded people who are truly amazing...even thinking about it now i have a huge smile on my face....i am in INDIA!!!...i am studying to be a Yogini.....I am actually doing this, emersed in this world where i actually fit in..where people tell the absolute truth...where heart felt emotions are an everyday occurance...where sharing is truly appreciated...where you feel like you're a part of something here and now but also a sense that you are part of something bigger to come....I love that i have done this....I love that i was given this opportunity....Today i vow to mnyself not to take this experience for granted...each moment is genuinely amazing, regardless of whether it is confronting (which each day brings a new confront or several for me!!), loving, exciting, sad or frustrating...it's mine to experience and i want to experience it conciously...(Did i just run off on a tangent...i think it's all the Bakti loving we get here...and yes we also chant and sing...which i absolutley love...:))
Now, again back to my summary of the past couple of weeks....
Teachers....they are great we have 4, Susie and Yamani who are female Bakti (loving) yoga teachers...they generally teach the asana's (poses) pranayama & meditation(breath..which is the most benefical and i now find the part i love the most) dance, chanting, blessing to the gods and the subtle body (our charkra's, nadi's and other forms of energy systems) as well as being our nurturing ears and having wonderful arms to hug and hold you when you break down and cry which you do quite often here...even the boys (of which there are only two but still it's not just us girls)...it's true when they say you meet yourself on the yoga mat...if you're still enough you can't escape it...
The other two teachers are Chris and Alex. Chris is the owner of Ashyana and a very learned Yogi, we would call him the philosopher, Alex on the other hand is our Anatomy teacher and his spirit, fun and lightheartedness keep me going. i'm also lucky to have Alex as part of my 'small sharing circle'. We participate in most things as a large group but we are all very very fond of our smaller sharing circles..we not only bond with these other 6 people we get to express ourselves in a smaller environment...we discuss everything from health, annoyances, frustrating people, impossible asana's, fears, discourangments and generally just the ridiculous conversations you have in your own head about the most ridiculous things but they somehow lead you to an awareness and you'd like to share it with people who listen and care....it really is a nice gathering and we have now started to do these sessions down on the beach at sunset which allows us to also go for a swim after the circle finishes. ...i have to say that at first i was very very resistant to the whole thing...bit schoolish and childish to me...i didn't want to be told who i should share things with...lucky for me i have the best group where we actually do care about each other so you really do want to share and you really really want the other members in your group to share as well.....ok...enough about the sharing circle...you all get it...moving on...
Summary my arse!!! I was never one for a short story though...
i have notes about some days..but some i don't even get a chance to review at the end of the day...you get so tired after chanting, then meditating, then practice, then study, then more study, then practicing teaching, then sharing, then chanting, then homework....
will try to be a bit more vigilent about it in the coming days....
now before i get off track again i have to just tell you all that i love the silence....those hours when you don't have to be polite, to talk about nothing....it's so friggin nice...and i do really well at it...i sometimes even extend it for a couple of hours more when i can....yes, me...not tallking...and loving it...I realized that most of what I say is irrelevant and not worth saying in the first place....what a relief...i can finally just shut the f**k up!!!....not all the time...sometimes i like to hear useless drivel coming out of mouth....it's fun to talk in circles (as we mostly do!!)
ok, study...how about a summary of our usual day....
7am - meditation and pranayama
8am - asana class
10am- breakfast
11am - Philosophy
12.45pm - Anatomy
2.10pm - Lunch
4.30 - Teacher Training
6pm - practice teaching
7pm - Dinner
8pm - Love circle / Chanting / dance
now just in case any of you are thinking well you get over two hours for lunch....by the time you get back to your room, shower, change, go down for lunch, chat to a few people, come back to your room, read your homework, do your laundry and rest your brain for a 10 minutes, you are walking back to the classroom to start the evening session....all i can say is that i am really really glad that i did not study something like Ashtanga yoga (they are seriously regimented) or book myself into an Ashram. At least here we are able to go off site and enjoy the beach, go to the local store, markets etc....(no i have not been to the markets as my first day off i was sick with vomiting and diarrohea and the second half day off i had hurt my back and for the last few days have been in severe pain...but i am one with my pain now :)....sorry yoga joke!!)
moving on again....man i am now realizing how my brain functions.....it's really all over the shop....jumping here and there....must speak to the master guru about that...maybe i can do some hail mary's and be cleansed...oh crap...this isn't a church..i have to actually work through this shit!!!!...i'm starting to love my confrontations...
ok, where was I...yes..moving on....
oh i just realized..... is there anything else to summarize.....
let me see....i've told you about my two favorite people, the actual place, my room, the food, the teachers, the classes, the crying (well i didn't really tell you a lot about that but maybe another time...let not bring this down!!) the chanting (did i mention how much i really really love the chanting...seriously, this is the highlight of my morning and evening...i didn;t realize the effect that chanting has on your charkra's which means it effects every part of your being....i know it's true as it's definately effected me....i can actually sing....well maybe not by myself but as a group i sound wonderful :).....
and yes we Om all the time....kinda love that too....
last but not least and something that is definately worth a mention....
sitting cross legged....all day....yep, all day apart from when we eat...oh no, i lie....we sit cross legged for that too....i am a definate fidgetter....they say that the stillness with which you can sit is the reflection of your mind.....again...back to the scrambled mind.....i'm screwed!!!!...if my knee doesn't hurt then my groin hurts, i've worked through that pain and then i start to go numb..you'd think that's a good thing and yes in a way it's great but then this just highlights the fact that your back is aching and your arse can no longer stand it.......yep....that's my day in a summary....
i think i did pretty well....only a couple of thousand words or so.....
and remember it's not so much the action you take but the quality of mind when you take that action......
Cherished love to all
xxx
andy
P.S. i'll update much more now that i'm in a better grove and am not sick or disbabled.....
love love love and more love.....you can never have or give enough xxx
and yes i do miss you all
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Airport to Bangkok....
well for a newby traveller it all went seemingly ok....welll if you could call jumping in line...waiting for 10 minutes and then realizing they don't actually open for another 10 minutes...jumping out of line because i forgot to get my luggage wrapped (gotta love the plastic wrap option!!)...now i get back in line and there is a serious que...oh well...3 hours to spare so let's not get too worried out that...so relaxed by the time i get to the ladies to check me in i forget to ask for the obvious...a good seat...
pass through security with confidence that this time i have packed the correct weight in liquids to board the plane with me...(unlike the Fiji debarkle of 2008!!, man that was a while ago)...and no, there is not a saga here....i actually think i've turned into an ok traveller...
i settle back, order a drink (mineral water), it's really quiet...make a phone calls, my last voice goodbyes for 3 months....
Deana....i can't believe i didn't get to talk to you....will miss you but i'll call as soon as i get home.
Liz...don't stress over the fish....
Mum...don't stress over me...i know that doesn't help...but try...can't bear the thought of you worrying...
ok, back to the trip run down....
board the plane...have an isle seat with an Indian mother and daughter....you'd think this would be a good thing......
let's just say she get's really bad allergies during the flight...worse than me....i share tissues and runny nose jokes with her....mum can't speak english....
eventually they ask if i'd take the window seat so mum can sit on the isle (apparently she goes to the toilet a lot and she'd not a slender frame either)....i agree, but first i'll go to the bathroom so i don't disturb them later....that was my first mistake....now i'm sitting in the middle of them...the daughter decides she'll take the window seat....neither are worried about taking up space....nose, eyes, ears hurt, i'd shove a tissue in all of them but i shared them with the indian girl who tricked me out of my window seat......lesson learned....9ok, not sure what that lesson was but i'll keep pondering on that!!)
eventually i decide enough is enough...i'll move to the seat at the back, reserved for the crew but stuff it, i can't even breathe anymore...i need my space!!!
i collect my stuff and sit quietly on the isle seat right in front of the toilets....again, that was my first mistake....
smells, noises, lights and several bumps later i figured i made my bed, now i have to live and smell it!!....
lucky for me one of the air hosts asked if i'd like to move to the centre isle where there was no one sitting....
JACK POT!!!.....should have done that 5 hours ago but none the less i was truly grateful for those last 4 hours.....besides....my nose and eyes had not stopped running so in the end the crew were quite concerned....i think they thought i was on something!
depart the plane finally!!!...find the correct luggage carosal...finally (waited a good 15 minutes at the wrong one before i realized!!).....get my luggage./..did i mention my brand new luggage is not working properly....my pop up handle won't pop all the way....very difficult to manuvre without that extra length....oh well, going with the flow...feeling the love....seriously...i really need to feel the love through these watery itchy eyes and rubbed raw runny nose!!
bus to the Novotel....politely asked if i'd like a king bed (hell yeh...look at the size of me..of course i need a king!!)
room is great; especially since i didn't have to pay for it...look at the bath and kept thinking...crap...it's one of those shower baths in one....problem being you have to hold that shower head in one hand while you try and wash your hair and body with the other...again this was my first mistake.....i figure i'd just sit in the tub, had to be easier.....relaxed and washed with a large puddle around me i look up and realize that there is a shower in the corner....it's not a small shower, it's actually quite large....i missed seeing a whole shower....with screen and all.....right in the same room....like right next to me in the same room....let's just blame it on the watering eyes....clearly it affected my abiltiy to see things right in front of me!!
let's just say the rest of the night was enjoyed in the large king bed just for one!!!
signing off for now....
will update soon....
peace and loving feelings.....xxxxx
andy
pass through security with confidence that this time i have packed the correct weight in liquids to board the plane with me...(unlike the Fiji debarkle of 2008!!, man that was a while ago)...and no, there is not a saga here....i actually think i've turned into an ok traveller...
i settle back, order a drink (mineral water), it's really quiet...make a phone calls, my last voice goodbyes for 3 months....
Deana....i can't believe i didn't get to talk to you....will miss you but i'll call as soon as i get home.
Liz...don't stress over the fish....
Mum...don't stress over me...i know that doesn't help...but try...can't bear the thought of you worrying...
ok, back to the trip run down....
board the plane...have an isle seat with an Indian mother and daughter....you'd think this would be a good thing......
let's just say she get's really bad allergies during the flight...worse than me....i share tissues and runny nose jokes with her....mum can't speak english....
eventually they ask if i'd take the window seat so mum can sit on the isle (apparently she goes to the toilet a lot and she'd not a slender frame either)....i agree, but first i'll go to the bathroom so i don't disturb them later....that was my first mistake....now i'm sitting in the middle of them...the daughter decides she'll take the window seat....neither are worried about taking up space....nose, eyes, ears hurt, i'd shove a tissue in all of them but i shared them with the indian girl who tricked me out of my window seat......lesson learned....9ok, not sure what that lesson was but i'll keep pondering on that!!)
eventually i decide enough is enough...i'll move to the seat at the back, reserved for the crew but stuff it, i can't even breathe anymore...i need my space!!!
i collect my stuff and sit quietly on the isle seat right in front of the toilets....again, that was my first mistake....
smells, noises, lights and several bumps later i figured i made my bed, now i have to live and smell it!!....
lucky for me one of the air hosts asked if i'd like to move to the centre isle where there was no one sitting....
JACK POT!!!.....should have done that 5 hours ago but none the less i was truly grateful for those last 4 hours.....besides....my nose and eyes had not stopped running so in the end the crew were quite concerned....i think they thought i was on something!
depart the plane finally!!!...find the correct luggage carosal...finally (waited a good 15 minutes at the wrong one before i realized!!).....get my luggage./..did i mention my brand new luggage is not working properly....my pop up handle won't pop all the way....very difficult to manuvre without that extra length....oh well, going with the flow...feeling the love....seriously...i really need to feel the love through these watery itchy eyes and rubbed raw runny nose!!
bus to the Novotel....politely asked if i'd like a king bed (hell yeh...look at the size of me..of course i need a king!!)
room is great; especially since i didn't have to pay for it...look at the bath and kept thinking...crap...it's one of those shower baths in one....problem being you have to hold that shower head in one hand while you try and wash your hair and body with the other...again this was my first mistake.....i figure i'd just sit in the tub, had to be easier.....relaxed and washed with a large puddle around me i look up and realize that there is a shower in the corner....it's not a small shower, it's actually quite large....i missed seeing a whole shower....with screen and all.....right in the same room....like right next to me in the same room....let's just blame it on the watering eyes....clearly it affected my abiltiy to see things right in front of me!!
let's just say the rest of the night was enjoyed in the large king bed just for one!!!
signing off for now....
will update soon....
peace and loving feelings.....xxxxx
andy
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